Crushing Men

Men are my enemies. They are my competition. They are not to be trusted and when they hurt me they are to be crushed in return.

I see myself as Israel. You throw rocks at me; I’ll flatten your city in return. You hurt me; I’ll hurt you so bad you will never think of doing or saying anything to me again. I did this with my father. His rejection, real or perceived, hurt me so bad that I decided revenge was the best response, so I tortured him emotionally, and I did so intentionally. I knew it was mean and nasty, and I loved it. It made me feel powerful, a good replacement for the closeness and safety I once felt with him. I had to replace it because even if he tried to give it back to me, I could no longer trust him, so no point in trying to go back. I just continued down the path of destroying our relationship and any other relationship with a man who showed me paternal or brotherly love.

I replaced it also with lust. Men were now objects for sexual satisfaction. Tools. Products. Things not to be attached to but to make use of. Get what I want and, in the process, get some sense of control and power, which, again, took the place of love.

I recognize this drives people away. That is my intention: isolation, self-sabotage, safety, security.

How do you build friendships, brotherhood, or community with this lurking in the background?  By allowing the things that hurt most to happen and deciding not to react, to allow the pain, offer it up, invite Jesus into it, and allow Him to heal the wounds behind it—Hurt, abandonment, distrust, and fear.

Healing comes from experiencing the traumas and allowing Him to walk me through them. He can’t walk with me through something I avoid.

So I must tell my best friend to do what will cause me intense pain, at least in my heart. I must accept he will make choices that hurt me and I have to reject the spirits of revenge and distrust. Only through Jesus is this possible. It stirs so many feelings that I would rather have nothing to do with him. Destroy what we have because I can’t control the situation: self-sabotage and isolation.

But I won't...God willing.

Written 2/21/21

Human-written, AI spell-checked

Image from Savannah B on Unsplash.com